I hate Halloween. Like most adults, I hate what the holiday has become, but I
also hate what it’s always been. I know it is terribly unpatriotic to confess
that much. I’ll celebrate Veteran’s day twice to redeem myself. But Halloween
is so terribly objectionable that one has to conclude the devil really exists.
So take a bunch of people, a whole
country actually. Old and young, poor and rich, of any race creed and religion.
The good and the bad. The smart and the stupid. And for the occasion, make them
They all come together once every year to put on
foolishly inappropriate costumes and gorge on candies.I know, we all indulge in stupid behavior at
one time or another. See, in France, we do many very stupid things. For
example, we cheek-kiss to greet people, even at work, and every day. But we do
it in private. Because what’s even more mind boggling about Halloween is that there’s
a true pride in harboring such vapid wardrobe. Everybody takes to the streets, in
parades, just to make sure everyone can see for themselves the display of
inanity. In case you find me a tad harsh, please refer to the photo of the
tampon man here, or the other tampon man there!
I was once told that Halloween is
an opportunity to act out our fantasies. The tamponing is rather widespread, it
seems. Equally desirable on the other side of the pond, where Prince Charles told
his then lover Camilla Parker Bowles that he too wanted to be a Tampax, her Tampax
that is. For the tampon adverse person, you will find a plethora of
alleged sexy outfits, as Halloween seems to be the opportunity for women age 30 and
over to dress like sluts. This year will be no exception.
If you want to be
topical, you can pick the Sexy Ebola Containment Nurse Costume. The website selling
such marvel of couture goes on to underscore the great qualities of the costume:
“The short dress and chic gas mask will be the talk of Milan,
London, Paris, and New York as the world's fashionistas seek global solutions
to hazmat couture.” The only thing being contained here is my repulsion. Barely.
The other infamous
part of Halloween is the equally puzzling trick or treating tradition. But
beware, you should only treat as tricking is mean and does not sell candies. If
only I could electrocute a few kids once a year, I could see the charm of the
holiday. I wish the Master Electricians Guild would lobby alongside the
national Sugar Association just to carry a better balance.
High Fructose Corn Syrup factory - Iowa
absurdity: It is commonly accepted as a fact that giving teeth slaying candies
made out of artificial flavors and high fructose corn syrup is a treat. Children
would be much healthier if they received a 100 volt choc once a year rather than
gorging on cavities, diabetes and obesity causing twaddle.