Thursday, December 20, 2012

A French Woman's Guide to preparing for the End of the World

copyright @Sanaa.k
I'm French. Therefore, I am the epitome of style. 
Mais bien sûr, I had my legs waxed and my hair styled, because I wouldn't want to be caught with a bad hair do, especially for the end of the world. There might be a photo op on the way.

I went to Chanel. I bought a dress and a pair of souliers. Formidable! There was a pair of impractical seven inch high boots, sublime! I opted instead for the three  inch pumps with a platform, because we might have a bit of walking and waiting to reach the other side of the end of the world. 

I was a bit disappointed that Hermès did not design a limited edition "End of the World" scarf. Do you imagine how much it would fetch next week on eBay?! 

My wine cellar? I drank a bottle of Aloxe Corton yesterday. Today, I'm opening the Chateau Lafite-Rothschild 1982.  I'm taking the Domaine Romanée-Conti with me. Well, no one said that wine was not allowed on board. 

And fuck this "aging with grace" concept so dear to my kin but not to my skin! I can now leave that to Catherine Deneuve, Cabernet and other non perishable goods. Merde, alors. I finally had Botox. 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Americans Have Easier Access to Semi-automatic Weapons Than to French Cheese

French Cheese are deemed dangerous
Sixty six point two million French nationals as well as 90,000 Americans living in France are exposed to high doses of French cheese, demonstrating no health damage from the exposure, and yet, it is easier for Americans in the U.S. to get access to a semi-automatic rifle than, say, to the stinky Vacherin Mont d'or or Corsican cheese.
Of course, French cheese is not protected by any article of the Constitution. No amendment guarantees any right to cheese. As a French citizen living in the U.S. for the past 16 years, and who eats her average annual 24 pounds of cheese, I struggle to understand why the right to own a semi-automatic rifle is so sacred in America, circa 2012.
According to recent polls, a majority of Americans believe that access to weapons is a right that should not be restricted. According to Brady Campaign records of mass shootings, there are 20 mass shootings per year.
So what are the solutions to the national epidemic that plagues the country?
Gun laws as they are drafted are unable to keep children and innocent bystanders away from bullets that may or may not have been destined to them. New York City principals sent an email to parents assuring them that a security protocol is in place in each and every New York City public school -- and that should the unthinkable happen, the schools know what to do.
Securing schools is a minuscule part of the solution. Ultimately, it will only serve the security gate makers. 
Of course, you can be sure that once all the schools are secured, the next nutcase will practice his shooting skills on a church assembly, or maybe a funeral procession. The opportunities are endless and the bunkerization of America can only go so far.
"A dinner which ends without cheese is like a beautiful woman with only one eye," said Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin a French lawyer and politician, epicure and gastronome. But one struggles for a quote praising in such poetic and elating terms the gun, the pistol, the bullet or the rifle with a large magazine.
Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America, and a Nobel Peace Price winner has an opportunity to show true leadership, not as a pastor providing comfort in time of tragedy, not as a father weeping for the lost lives of children, but as a political leader willing to change policy, for the greater good of the people, even if at this time, the people disagrees with the measures taken.

Monday, December 10, 2012

What REALLY REALLY happened to Strauss-Khan

The only hard fact we know is that former IMF director's semen landed on Sofitel chambermaid's blouse.

It's like the Exxon Valdez: conflicting theories abound as to how the spillage occurred. Now that the parties have settled out of court, the mystery will forever remain.

Was Nafissatou Diallo, the hotel maid, part of a conspiracy, as investigative reporter Edward Jay Epstein suggests in his sensational article published in The New York Review of Books and titled "What Really Happened to Strauss-Kahn"?
Did the French right wing party warp a plot to eliminate DSK, the then presidential candidate hopeful? Did the Russians get involved? Al Qaida? The Mossad? James Bond?

Now that both parties have settled, for $6 million according to French newspaper Le Monde, the light of truth will never have a chance to shine on DSK's crotch, nor on Diallo's blouse.

So here's my theory. No facts, no evidence, no interview, no proof of anything to base my story on. But give it a read. You might think that it makes more sense than any of the other theories you've read so far.

The night before, he was in Washington DC enjoying the company of French ladies brought over the pond to him by his like minded friends from Lille. Once in New York, he hooks up with his blond lady friend who joins him in his room and leaves the hotel alone at 2am.
After a good night sleep, DSK feels great. Well rested, relaxed, calm. Whether he orders a bowl of Special K, or a coffee and croissant remains unknown. His flight to Paris is at 4pm. The day after, he will be in Berlin to discuss the Greek crisis with Angela Merkel. He has plenty of time. He feels the longing again for more action, and he thinks, "Mais, oui! Why not! One for the road" "Un dernier pour la route" as we say in French.
DSK is a well traveled man. He's been patronizing five stars hotels for the better part of his life. He knows that if you need a toothbrush, a magazine, a bottle of mineral water or a girl, you just call room service. These hotels are always well stocked.

"Hello, this is room 2806. Can you send me a nice lady to spend 10 minutes in my lovely company"
"Mais bien sûr, Monsieur DSK. We will send someone shortly. Would you prefer sparkling or still?"

DSK decides to jump in the shower to be nice and fresh down there. Nafissatou Diallo, a chambermaid at Sofitel hotel, knocks on the door. DSK doesn't hear her so she lets herself in.
He comes out of the shower, dressed in nothing more than his virile pride.
"Hello, I did not expect you here so soon, but please be welcome", he says with Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau's accent.
"Very glad to see that you are ready for me" she replies.