Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Semper Fi(landerer)

© Sanaa - K
In English the expression says stop beating a dead horse. In French it would be stop flogging a cheating husband.
General Petraeus had an affair? So what? James Bond usually has sex with at least 3 different women in any given James Bond movie. What do you expect from the US top spy. Petraeus does not have license to kill. At least give him license to fuck. Otherwise what's the point being a spy?

My fellow French citizens are looking under the sheets of your latest sex scandal thinking that decidedly we don't have the same values. When Mitterrand was president of France, it was all well known, and yet never mentioned, that he had a wife, a mistress, a dog, and an illegitimate child, who lived in an apartment paid for at tax payer's expense.
The media "omerta" surrounding the lives of our rich and powerful is such that we all collectively kept quiet on our president. When his wife decided to trudge her way to the Mexican revolutionary Subcomandante Marcos, under the pretense of a keen interest for his political views, no one thought of questioning her motives. Some said she was having an affair with the great Marxist leader. And no one really gave a damn. When François Mitterrand passed away, the wife, the mistress and all their children attended. (Marcos stayed away though!)

Absorbed by the US elections, and then entwined in the Petraeus scandal, have you noticed the latest French scandal? A new book claims that France's First Lady, Valérie Trierweiler, was having an affair with Patrick Devedjian, a right-wing politician as well as Socialist François Hollande, while still married to her (second) husband the French journalist Denis Trierweiler. 

Did you hear about it? Probably not. The French media has been mostly unfazed by the news. The US news found it unremarkable. I myself had to read about it in a British publication.
The shocking part of the story according to British media lies in the fact that both men knew about the other, and still agreed to partake in the affair. Rest assured, they took turns!

Do you know how to count in French? Valérie Trierweiler just invented a new learning method. Repeat after me: Ménage à trois, ménage à quatre, ménage à cinq, ménage à six...

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Sandy, Barack, my freezer and I.

Ten days after Sandy wrecked havoc in New York City, Manhattan is back to normal. Even the president that we have today is the same as the one we had yesterday.  The subway is slow and overcrowded, another storm is pounding us, and Donald Trump.. oh well, let’s not bring Donald into this. Sandy was a bitch. Whether you are a Democrat or a Republican, you’ll agree: Sandy was a bitch.
I lost power for 5 days, and upon my return to my apartment, I pondered what should stay and what should be tossed away. I’ll concede that my fridge was smelling funny. But being French, my fridge always smells funny. I looked at the Camembert, I examined the Munster, I sniffed the Epoisse cheese. They were all stinky. So I decided to apply the rule of stink. 
Therefore be it resolved that if you were stinky before and you are stinky after and provided that the stink is of equal quality, you shall not be discarded. Very sadly, a couple of white truffles did not pass the mu(n)ster and were reduced to pieces by a well powered in-sink-erator. A jar of mayonnaise from the brand Real Mayonnaise® on the contrary seemed to still smell very good. I checked the sell by date:  MAY 2309. Well if it’s good for another two full centuries… Unless it was past its sell by date by three full years. In any case, the Real Mayonnaise® looked superbly unaffected by Sandy. 

Sandy was a bitch. And some blame Romney's defeat on her. She allegedly made Obama look more presidential. Although, I can assure you that Obama did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Sandy.