Sunday, October 28, 2012

Romney's French Connection

I told you a few weeks ago about Bill Clinton who would fancy himself as the French Prez. I shocked you this past spring, when I revealed to the incredulous world that Newt himself had a deep affinity with France, where he lived for a few years as a teenager. Yes, yes! Le Newt speaks the language of Molière . Bien sûr he'll trash his opponents on francophone grounds because being versed in French has become so anti-american. I wonder what the Statue of Liberty thinks of all that conneries.
But I digress. As we ready ourselves for the last presidential debate, it's timely that I tell you about Mitt's French Connection. Mitt Romney speaks French fluently. Voila. The theme of the debate will be foreign policy. So let's talk about La France!
Am I trying to launch a smear campaign against Mitt? Quelle horreur! Of course not. (Mitt doesn't need me for that). Mitt has tried to conceal it really carefully, he's flip-flopped on it like on healthcare reform or on family planning policy, but there's no escaping that he's fluent in French language and mores. Mitt really has a very strong relationship with France.
You wouldn't associate a white middle-aged Mormon man with Paris? I wouldn't either, and I have to say that sending a guy who's not allowed to have premarital sex, not allowed to drink coffee or wine to Paris is truly a cruel and unusual punishment. Yet this is what happened to Mitt when he served for his two year mission as a Mormon. He was sent to the birthplace of temptation.
At the age of 21, the legal age for drinking, provided you're not a Mormon, Mitt was sent to France. He arrived to the Northwest port-city of Le Havre and went on to live amid hookers. Shocking? But true!
According to an article by, Romney mistakenly checked into a hotel in an area frequented by prostitutes. He was too naïve to notice. I guess there's been a pattern to exercise poor judgment while traveling abroad.
During the primary, Romney's then opponent Newt Gingrich launched an ad campaign trashing Romney for his bilingualism. Oh la la. Mon dieu! It's such a disgrace to speak the language that invented words such as croissants, lingerie and entrepreneurs! Indeed, Romney has erased his French connection from his bio, his website, his résumé.
You see, Mitt's campaign is working: a recent poll shows that 82 percent of Europeans view Obama favorably, while Mitt Romney is only viewed favorably by 23 percent of the population.
So if someone tells you that Mitt Romney does not have any foreign policy experience, tell them that on the contrary, he is ready!
How do you say Binder in French?!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Vive le Bill (Clinton)

Oh Mon Dieu. Bill, mon président!
While Bill Clinton was the uncontested winner of the Democratic National Convention and its aftermath, many thought, if only he could be president again.
Think no more: Bill Clinton, being the genius that he is, has found the solution.
And I support this message.
Bill Clinton can, and should be president of France!
Earlier this week, he explained to Piers Morgan on CNN that he could become president of France, because Arkansas where he was born, was once part of French Louisiana, and as such, Bill is eligible to receive French citizenship, the (almost) only requirement to run for higher office in France.
It is so thrilling to know that Bill wants to lead my country. Vive le Bill. Vive la France.
Unfortunately, while it used to be true, this whole Arkansas-Louisiana-France connection no longer works. But there are many other simple ways to gain French citizenship. So let me volunteer to marry Bill.
As spouse of a French citizen, he could immediately apply for citizenship. You might argue that the process would take a long time. No problem. The next French election is five years away anyway. By then, I can guarantee that under my training, Bill would be fluent in the French language (another requirement) and mores. French political lingo is full of English words anyway and impeachment and term limit are not among them.
Bill would have to own a home in France, which sounds only a sensible thing to own whether you are planning your retirement or launching your next political gig. He would not even have to renounce his U.S. citizenship.
As French president, he would know how to charm Angela Merkel into embracing a European stimulus package. He would (finally) pass healthcare reform. Who better than him to bring France onto the path of a three-trillion surplus? And trust me, the Socialist party is so much further to the left than he is, that no one would even think of calling him a Socialist! Sign me on!
The French have always liked Bill Clinton's personality, lifestyle and values. When he came under fire during his presidency, France felt outraged at this invasion of privacy.

But since he left the presidency, Bill Clinton has changed. Bill has cleaned up his act. No more excess. No more ravenous appetite. And the French don't like that.
We have traditions in France. We expect our politicians to be bon vivants. And Bill no longer is.
He used to eat burgers and steak and chicken enchiladas. According to CNN, "At one campaign stop in New Hampshire, he reportedly bought a dozen doughnuts and was working his way through the box until an aide stopped him."
Today, Bill is a vegan and France simply can't relate. As my friend Guillemette Faure, a French correspondent who covers French and American politics, noted, "You can't rule France if you don't eat dairy."
President Charles de Gaulle once said: "How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheese?"
So Bill, let me tell you: If you want to be president of France, you'd have to eat them all!