BREAKING NEWS (AP): In a surprise move that has shocked the nation and the world, former House of Representatives Speaker Newt Gingrich has announced that he is suspending his presidential campaign for the Republican nomination. He has obtained French citizenship and he is now running for election in the upcoming French presidential race. President Sarkozy of France, an incumbent in the race commented on the announcement by saying “Merde, Newt”.
Soon after the announcement, French Candidate Gingrich gave his first campaign speech at the legendary Parisian swingers club Les Chandelles.
My fellow French citizens,
I am Le Newt. I am your candidate. I will be your president. Americans didn’t get me. The French will. You are ready for someone of my charisma. I have enormous personal ambition. I want to shift the entire planet. Including Paris and Marseilles. And I’m doing it. I am now a famous person. My fame will grace France.
The time for my coming out has come! I love the French! I speak Français fluently! I am a Francophile. Je suis Francais! Immoral, unfaithful, arrogant, vain, liar, short-tempered. I am one of yours.
Let me tell you a story: France and I, we go way back. When I was 13, my father, who was in the military, moved the family to Orleans, in France. I have such fond memories of my youth. We had a maid of Orleans. Her name was Joan of Arc. She was a virgin, which is very unusual for a French girl. She taught me l’amour.
Then we moved to a military base in Germany, I would cross the border and visit the bordellos of Verdun. This is when I decided to become a politician.
I would say unequivocally: I am a sinner. And what better place to be a sinner than La France! You understand lust, you understand me. Who can stay married to the same woman for his whole lifetime?! After divorcing my 1st wife, I said: “She isn’t young enough or pretty enough to be the President’s wife. Besides, she has cancer.” Americans were scandalized, but you understand me. You are the land of libertines with universal health care! How profoundly civilized you are! I just can’t wait for my next summer in Saint Tropez. The thought of all these topless women on the beach is giving me a hard on. You are an inspiration!
You need a president who can bring pride back to your people. Enough of this frogs legs eating, enough of this Jerry Lewis loving, enough of this stinky cheese gorging. At the end of my second term, I will ban fromage and grenouilles. My fellow Frenchies, you deserve progress. You deserve chicken nuggets; you deserve Chuckee Cheese pizza, you deserve SPAM.
Le Newt is bringing a new era to you. When I am elected, to stimulate the economy, I will pass a bill to provide a razor for every woman. With me, the hairy armpit will be a stigma of the past.
And I pledge to each and every one of you personally that I will always be as rude as you are. Vote for me, my fellow wanton, obnoxious citizens, and with your help, I will take the world by the balls!